This Is the End

This blog was never supposed to be about me.

But I need to say this.

This will most likely be the last article I publish here.

If you are not interested in me screaming into the void, you can stop reading now, knowing that this is a goodbye.

We had a good run. I enjoyed your company.
I love you, and I wish you luck in whatever comes next.

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In the last eight months, I wasn’t even able to write my journal.

I guess it all comes down to time.
My body is now… high-maintenance.

I need to take care of my scars multiple times a day.
I can’t sleep without pills.
I can’t function without them either.

And even through the painkillers…
Most of my days are just pain.

I spiral. Slowly, but steadily.

There is barely a day when I don’t think that dying in that fire would have been a mercy.

And then I look at my wife.
My son.

And I stay.

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Thank God for them.

They make this living nightmare still worth it.

But man… it is hard.

It takes everything I have just to do the things that must be done.
To help around the house.
To keep things going.
To try—at least a little—to keep my family happy.

That alone drains me to no end…

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My skin feels like an ever-tightening prison.

Every day, it squeezes me a little more.

The ossifications in my joints feel like my bones are trying to cut their way out of my body.
My right ankle is just… dying. Still attached, but useless. I drag it behind me.

I haven’t slept properly in months.

There is no real rest. No reset. No moment where it all lets go.

Every day, I get a little more tired.
Every day, I can do a little less.

And the surgeries that might help?

Half a year away. Maybe a year.

It feels endless.

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I still have hope.

That the procedures might work.
That I might get better.

That maybe—one day—I will come back to this blog.

But right now… I don’t see the end of this storm.
Only the need to walk through it.

One step at a time. Teeth clenched.

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And so… this might be the end.

Or maybe not.

I don’t know.

It breaks my heart a little to even write that.

Because I loved this. I loved writing for you. I loved building this strange little space where we could explore things together.

And even now, as I write this… I feel it again.

A small spark.

But right now, I don’t have the strength to promise anything.

So let’s call it what it is:

A goodbye.
Or maybe just… a very long pause.

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To everyone who read my articles, who wrote back, who shared thoughts—

And especially to those who supported this blog financially—

Thank you.

I still can’t quite believe you did that.

It meant more than you know.

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For now… this is all I have.
This is all I can give.

Love,
Felix